The loneliness is killing me
by purplehamster
Summary: May contain spoilers - quite a sad one and only a one-off I think. Please review.


The loneliness was everywhere around him. He looked around him and all his family were there and he spoke to them but it was as if someone else did the speaking for him. He felt like he was sat alone in a world where there was no-one else at all. Everybody was smiling and chatting and life was going on but his life had stopped. When had that happened? He knew exactly when. New Year's Day the day he had married Amira. What moment had he stopped living? When the man he loved with all his heart had let him go in that truly unselfish act. He remembered it as vividly as if it was yesterday. His green eyes were observing him and those lovely hands had gently cupped his head and his mouth had kissed his forehead. That kiss had said everything to him. He was letting him go, he understood and he loved him. One last look between them and he was gone.

Since then his life had been a living nightmare. Getting through the honeymoon somehow. To be in one of the most beautiful places on earth all he could think was how much Christian would have loved it there. Beaches the colour of the whitest sand and the clear blue sea under the hot sun. He had felt like he was mourning the whole two weeks for Christian and knowing when he got back to the Square, he would be gone for ever. He couldn't bring himself to touch Amira and had come up with all sorts of reasons to avoid her. When they had come home he knew he could put all his energy into working and it would be easier but when they got back he had had the shock of his life. Christian hadn't gone after all and was still around. Not only that but he had already met someone else. Syed had been astounded by this. Did he mean so little to him that he had got over him that quickly? He thought Christian had loved him.

Then his mum realised that their marriage hadn't been consummated and had put pressure on him to do so and not to bring shame on his family. Somehow he had managed this though it tore him apart emotionally and afterwards he lay on the bed next to Amira and turned away from her and a few tears fell down his face. So his life went on. He functioned on automatic working as hard as he could, sleeping, eating and spending time with his family. Nothing made him feel happy, no-one made him laugh genuinely. If he smiled or laughed at something someone said, it didn't reach his eyes. They were deep pools of sadness which had lost their shine. If Amira or someone hugged him, their arms touched him but he didn't feel it. He thought it would be easier to spend time in prison. This was his prison, a cell of his own making that he couldn't escape from and he was serving life. A lifetime of being someone he wasn't and pretending to be happy when he wasn't and having to watch the man he loved with all his heart moving on with his life and perhaps meeting someone else serious in the future. This was what happened when you chose to live a lie. He was in his own nightmare world and there was nothing he could do, no escape from the relentless demands of his mum, his wife and the demands he put on himself to be true to his faith and family.

Sometimes at night he would dream about Christian. He would dream about actual things that had happened between them or stuff in his imagination. He would wake up and remember how it felt to lie in his arms and he would remember other times when they had been together and how Christian had taken him right to the edge like nobody else ever had and how he had lost control and had writhed under him calling his name and his hands had gripped his strong shoulders as he felt himself fall. Even a hug or a hand hold from Christian had always made him feel weak, his feelings were so strong for him. He knew too that this was reciprocated and remembered with pleasure and pride how he had had Christian begging him for more on many occasions. It wasn't just sex between them though although that had been good. They could really talk to each other and both seemed to have a knack of knowing what the other was thinking and if they were upset or worried. Many nights Syed ached just lying there not sleeping wishing he could speak to Christian again or just hold his hand. The loneliness was seeping around him again and he felt like it was killing him.


End file.
